Of Proper Gentlemen and Ladies
Etiquette
is an integral part of every culture. Although the details differ among regions
and historical periods, the concept of correct and incorrect ways to behave
remains constant. Rules of polite behavior are essential elements of
communication within a society, a social code that enables individuals to
understand motives and subtle messages that are otherwise too cumbersome to
display through words alone.
In
general these rules reflect the values of a society. Following these rules
demonstrates respect for the common morality and for other people. Obedience to
the guidelines of good manners also reflects on the character of the individual
and suggests one is well bred and refined.
These
social rules are adopted and adapted over time.
Some may be written into elaborate manuals, though many are unwritten,
caught rather than taught among the population at large. In periods of great
social transition, like the Regency, published manuals are especially abundant.
The
established etiquette in the Regency era emphasized class and rank and the
proper relations between the genders. Although the rules might appear awkward
and restrictive, especially for women, they did act as a safeguard against
misunderstanding and embarrassment for all parties.
Chaperones
Well-bred
women were thought to have a "natural" sense of delicacy. Taste and
poise should come naturally to a lady, and it was an indictment against their
breeding to be worried about looking correct. Chaperones were one means of
assisting young women in maintaining their delicacy and reputation.
Young
women were protected zealously in company. Young, unmarried women were never
alone in the company of a gentleman, save family and close family friends. A
chaperone was also required for a young single woman to attend any social
occasion. Under no circumstances could a lady call upon a gentleman alone
unless consulting him on a professional or business matter.
Except
for a walk to church or a park in the early morning, a lady could not walk
alone. She should always be accompanied by another lady, an appropriate man, or
a servant. Similarly, a proper lady did not ride abroad by herself. Whether horseback or in a carriage, she
should bring an appropriate companion to protect her reputation.
Introductions
It was
unacceptable to speak to anyone of good breeding without a formal introduction
by a third party. The higher ranking
individual (or the woman in the case of two equally ranking individuals)
indicates whether he or she wishes to permit the introduction of an inferior.
In the case he or she desired an introduction a third party would be asked to
make one. At a public ball, the Master
of Ceremonies would conduct this service to enable gentleman and ladies to
dance. However, if the higher ranking person did not desire an introduction,
one could not be forced upon them.
In some circumstances, the higher ranking
person could introduce him or herself to the lower one. When introduced, the person of lower rank bowed or curtsied.
Gentlemen and ladies of equal rank bowed and curtsied when formally introduced
to each other and again when parting.
Touching
and tipping one's hat, using the hand farthest away from the lady to raise it,
was a standard salutation. Not returning it would be very rude. After being introduced,
individuals always acknowledged each other in public, at minimum with a tip or
touch to the hat or a slight bow of the shoulders.
If a
gentleman met a lady with whom he had a friendship and who signified that she
wished to talk, good manners dictated he should turn and walk with her as they
conversed. It was not appropriate to make a lady stand talking in the street.
Failure
to acknowledge an acquaintance was a breach in conduct and considered a cut.
Manuals warned that a lady should never ‘cut’ someone unless ‘absolutely
necessary’ and only ladies were truly justified in delivering a ‘cut’.
Conversation
The
heart of polite sociability was conversation. The whole purpose of conversation
was to please other people and to be deemed pleasing. In general, conversation
was tightly controlled by rules of etiquette as well. The list of unacceptable
topics far outnumbered the acceptable ones.
A
polite individual did not ask direct personal questions of someone they had
just met. To question or even compliment anyone else on the details of their
dress might also be regarded as impertinent. Personal remarks, however
flattering, were not considered good manners. Etiquette manuals counseled such
comments should be exchanged only with close family and intimate friends.
Similarly,
scandal and gossip should be omitted from public conversation. Any references
to pregnancy, childbirth, or other natural bodily functions were considered
coarse and carefully sidestepped. A man could sometimes discuss his hunters or
driving horses in the presence of ladies though it was generally
discouraged. Greater latitudes of
conversation were allowed when the genders were segregated, particularly for
the men.
For the Gentleman
While
enjoying the company of ladies, a gentleman was under an obligation to please
the women, extending to a lady of equal rank that respect usually due to a
social superior.
If
walking with a lady and a flight of stairs was encountered. Ascending the stairs, he should precede the
lady (running, according to one authority); in descending, he followed.
In a
carriage, a gentleman took the seat rear facing. If he for some reason, he
found himself alone in a carriage with a lady, he could not sit next to her
unless he was her husband, brother, father, or son. A proper gentleman always
exited a carriage first so that he may hand the lady down, always taking
appropriate care not to step on her dress.
If a
gentleman attended a public exhibition or concert in the company of a lady, he would
go in first in order to find her a seat, making sure to remove his hat. If in
military uniform, a gentleman never wore a sword in the presence of ladies, nor
did he smoke in their presence, though the use of snuff was acceptable.
Touch
Not
surprisingly, good manners required all forms of touching between members of
the opposite sex were to be kept to a minimum. Putting a lady's shawl about her
shoulders, or assisting her to mount a horse, enter a carriage and for a gentleman to take a lady's arm
through his to support her while out walking were considered acceptable of
courtesy.
Shaking
hands, though, was not. In the Regency era, shaking hands was considered a mark
of unusual affability or intimacy. Only gentlemen of about the same social
class, who knew each other well, shook hands. Moreover, the intimacy of shaking
hands was a mark of condescension, if offered by one of a higher rank.
Shaking
hands with a person of the opposite sex was less frequent and less proper. A
touch, a pressure of the hands, was the only external signs a woman could give
of harboring a particular regard for certain gentleman and was not to be thrown
away lightly. According to some contemporary conduct
guides, a woman should avoid even touching the hand of a man who is not a
family member.
Between
sisters or ladies of equal age or rank a kiss on the cheek was acceptable. A
gentleman might kiss a lady's hand, but kissing it 'passionately' was a gesture
of excessive intimacy.
References
A Lady of
Distinction - Regency Etiquette, the
Mirror of Graces (1811). R.L. Shep Publications (1997)
Black,
Maggie & Le Faye, Deirdre - The Jane
Austen Cookbook. Chicago Review Press (1995)
Byrne,
Paula - Contrib. to Jane Austen in
Context. Cambridge University Press (2005)
Day,
Malcom - Voices from the World of Jane
Austen. David & Charles (2006)
Downing,
Sarah Jane - Fashion in the Time of Jane
Austen. Shire Publications (2010)
Jones,
Hazel - Jane Austen & Marriage .
Continuum Books (2009)
Lane,
Maggie - Jane Austen's World. Carlton
Books (2005)
Lane,
Maggie - Jane Austen and Food. Hambledon
(1995)
Laudermilk,
Sharon & Hamlin, Teresa L. - The
Regency Companion. Garland Publishing (1989)
Le Faye,
Deirdre - Jane Austen: The World of Her
Novels. Harry N. Abrams (2002)
Ray, Joan
Klingel - Jane Austen for Dummies. Wiley
Publishing, Inc. (2006)
Ross,
Josephine - Jane Austen's Guide to Good
Manners. Bloomsbury USA (2006)
Selwyn,
David - Jane Austen & Leisure. The
Hambledon Press (1999)
Trusler,
John - The Honours of the Table or Rules
for Behavior During Meals. Literary-Press (1791)
Vickery,
Amanda - The Gentleman's Daughter. Yale
University Press (1998)
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| Author Maria Grace |
Author bio
Though
Maria Grace has been writing fiction since she was ten years old, those early
efforts happily reside in a file drawer and are unlikely to see the light of
day again, for which many are grateful.
She has
one husband, two graduate degrees and two black belts, three sons, four
undergraduate majors, five nieces, six cats, seven Regency-era fiction projects
and notes for eight more writing projects in progress. To round out the list,
she cooks for nine in order to accommodate the growing boys and usually makes
ten meals at a time so she only cooks twice a month.
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